Heinous Hymen and the Perilous Placenta. Part One.
Senna Hymen has been in his back garden constructing a birthing pool for his wife Chlamydia, who not unlike himself, is one of those ‘keeping up with the Wierdashians’ pseudo hippies. As an expectant, almost ready to drop ‘Yummy Mummy’ Chlamydia has decided that to ensure she has bragging rights amongst the wigwam clan at next years ‘Glasto’ she is not only going to have a Lotus Birth, (despite the risk of serious infection or death to her as yet unborn infant), she is also going to give birth in faecally contaminated water in her single minded self-assurance that this is the perfect way for her precious offspring to come to the world.
Senna is happily hammering and sawing, sanding and screwing, draining the national grid with his prized power tools, adding to his already impressive carbon footprint. He is being watched by his darling wife and his two daughters, Broccoli and Belladonna, there is a palpable air of excitement, and more than a little smugness.
Chlamydia is impatient to upload an image of the finished birthing pool to her blog, (The modern parent’s guide to sustainability and loveliness). She can barely contain her glee when she thinks how it will infuriate that sanctimonious poser Rainbow Meadows, who was so pleased with herself after she gave birth to her last child in a Nepalese Yak shed. Rainbow is Chlamydia’s best friend and has promised to be at the birth to provide love and to channel strength from the earth mother.
Rain begins to fall, so Chlamydia and the girls retreat indoors, leaving Senna to continue his carpentry. Broccoli and Belladonna head upstairs to their room, ostensibly to continue reading the biography of Ghandi they both received for Christmas. Actually they are going to watch Frankie Boyle live at the Apollo on the Kindle Fire their parents do not know they have. They raised the money to buy the tablet by pretending to be collecting for Greenpeace in the surrounding neighbourhood.
Despite the persistent rain, Senna continues to construct the birthing pool, he is using some very beautiful timber, he is very pleased with himself, as he is able to brag to all his ecologically concerned ‘brothers’ that there are zero carbon miles on the wood. This is because it is from a tree he had felled that was on his own property. The tree was an ancient Yew, which was at least 3000 years old. During the lifetime of the tree, 96 people have been executed by hanging from its branches including 39 alleged witches.
It is much later in the day, and Senna has almost finished, he has installed the lights, which will glow under the water with all the colours of the rainbow, he has protected the wood with linseed oil which has given the wood a beautiful glow, and he has constructed a softly cushioned bench for his wife’s comfort.
We all await the great day with much anticipation and in my case, more than a little nausea.
Last night I observed the lights in the pool come on, they pulsed in their various garish colours, agitating Fernando, the occasionally animated tree frog who resides in our bathroom. Fernando was originally simply a colourful picture on our shower curtain, but due to certain unusual conditions, the precise nature of which, I shall leave to explain for another time, he sometimes comes to colourful life. Fernando is, I can tell, itching to get in that pool.
This morning I was informed by Hat, that Penny Regina, a locally renowned midwife has entered the Hymen home, so presumably the time is nigh, oddly Fernando is missing.
Hat has taken up an excellent vantage point on Mildred’s chimney so I will have a bird’s eye view of the proceedings thanks to my special links to our sentinel.
Rainbow Meadows has arrived, there has been a lot of squealing and disingenuous hugging. Steam is rising from the birthing pool, which has reached body temperature in readiness for the impending calving.
By Poseidon’s beard! You must excuse me, I have been around for longer than most and imagined nothing could possibly shock me anymore, but at the moment I feel positively bilious. Chlamydia has waddled to the pool and lowered her hirsute bulk into the water, as a committed pseudo hippy she is a complete stranger to the Lady Shave, so there are certain parts of her anatomy that have never received any kind of maintenance and now the pool resembles a Californian kelp forest. I shall try to remain focussed and describe the following spectacle, however there may be retching.
How is that unfortunate child going to fight its way through that kind of untamed thicket? Freeing itself from the womb will be a matter of ease by comparison.
Rainbow is holding one of Chlamydia’s hands, Senna the other, Broccoli and Belladonna are looking on from the side-lines, and I can see from the girl’s faces that they are being mentally scarred by the sight. Penny, the midwife is barking instructions, striding about looking stern and folding towels.
The screaming has begun, the two girls look positively traumatised, Senna looks terrified and Rainbow looks somewhat irritated as she attempts to make herself heard above Chlamydia’s howling. Rainbow is yelling support and love and brightest blessings, but her eyes are wishing for something else. Stillbirth, I would guess.
The racket is enough to wake the dead, and I should know.
Excuse me for one moment, I need a bucket.
Waters have broken, as has my control over my gag reflex. The birthing pool/kelp forest is now polluted with faeces, clotted blood, some unidentifiable brown ribbony stuff, more unidentifiable stuff that I cannot even describe, and urine. The perfect environment in which to introduce a brand new human life, or child abuse depending on one’s point of view.
There is now a lot of advice from various quarters, Chlamydia is being loudly urged to breathe, push, pant, not to push, not to breathe (I think that was Rainbow), push harder pant quicker and so on. Senna did plaintively request that Chlamydia not squeeze his hand quite so hard, as he thinks one of his fingers is broken, however he returned to advising her to breathe or push, after a look from his wife that might have stripped chrome plating.
Finally after one final blood curdling howl that would send the most feral werewolf scampering in fear, a lot of splashing and the sound of at least three people vomiting, the latest addition to the Hymen family finally enters this mortal coil. Or to phrase it in another, far more accurate way, it enters a disgusting soup of warm, glutinous human waste.
I am sure you will not be surprised to learn that the hymens have opted for a ‘Lotus Birth’, which for those of you who are unaware of this troubling practice, means that the placenta is left attached to the baby for up to ten days. Among the self-righteous Pseudo hippie community, putting one’s offspring at risk of serious infection or death is now one of those first world indulgences that is their right.
So now we wait for the placenta to be born, this could take an hour, maybe more. Time for a good Claret to settle my stomach.
By the hooves of Krampus! We were waiting for the final contraction to expel the placenta, but it was not required.
Senna’s wiring must have been faulty, because something has shorted out and electrified the birthing pool, Chlamydia has certainly expelled the placenta, what appears to be a couple of litres of blood, and the shock has sent the baby, which was suckling on one pendulous breast, shooting across the pool and beneath the surface of the gloop.
Chlamydia is thrashing around like a hairy, epileptic, manatee screaming in a language unfamiliar to me, Senna is also screaming, attached as he still is, to his wife as her iron grip on his broken fingers has, if anything increased in its intensity. I suppose there is some justice in that, as it was his electrical incompetence that caused this situation.
Things are getting interesting.
I have not been timing it, but I would estimate that chlamydia, Senna, the new-born and its placenta, have been receiving a bracing dose of electrical current for two or three minutes.
Finally, something along the circuit has blown and everybody stops jitterbugging, it seems Chlamydia and Senna are still breathing, though they are slumped, unconscious. Penny the Midwife thrusts her hand into the revolting liquid, which is rippling in an unsettling manner, she pulls out the baby, grasping it by one leg, the placenta, still attached by the umbilical cord follows, it seems to be pulsing, which cannot be right.
I hear sirens. Rainbow, who had ushered the two girls inside, must have dialled 999.
Show’s over folks.
Wait. What’s that?
Something brightly coloured, hauling itself from the pool, it flops onto the ground, vomiting up an alarming quantity of brown liquid. Fernando! That will teach you to go swimming in other peoples birthing pools. Back to the shower with you, bad frog.
(all rights reserved)
Senna Hymen has been in his back garden constructing a birthing pool for his wife Chlamydia, who not unlike himself, is one of those ‘keeping up with the Wierdashians’ pseudo hippies. As an expectant, almost ready to drop ‘Yummy Mummy’ Chlamydia has decided that to ensure she has bragging rights amongst the wigwam clan at next years ‘Glasto’ she is not only going to have a Lotus Birth, (despite the risk of serious infection or death to her as yet unborn infant), she is also going to give birth in faecally contaminated water in her single minded self-assurance that this is the perfect way for her precious offspring to come to the world.
Senna is happily hammering and sawing, sanding and screwing, draining the national grid with his prized power tools, adding to his already impressive carbon footprint. He is being watched by his darling wife and his two daughters, Broccoli and Belladonna, there is a palpable air of excitement, and more than a little smugness.
Chlamydia is impatient to upload an image of the finished birthing pool to her blog, (The modern parent’s guide to sustainability and loveliness). She can barely contain her glee when she thinks how it will infuriate that sanctimonious poser Rainbow Meadows, who was so pleased with herself after she gave birth to her last child in a Nepalese Yak shed. Rainbow is Chlamydia’s best friend and has promised to be at the birth to provide love and to channel strength from the earth mother.
Rain begins to fall, so Chlamydia and the girls retreat indoors, leaving Senna to continue his carpentry. Broccoli and Belladonna head upstairs to their room, ostensibly to continue reading the biography of Ghandi they both received for Christmas. Actually they are going to watch Frankie Boyle live at the Apollo on the Kindle Fire their parents do not know they have. They raised the money to buy the tablet by pretending to be collecting for Greenpeace in the surrounding neighbourhood.
Despite the persistent rain, Senna continues to construct the birthing pool, he is using some very beautiful timber, he is very pleased with himself, as he is able to brag to all his ecologically concerned ‘brothers’ that there are zero carbon miles on the wood. This is because it is from a tree he had felled that was on his own property. The tree was an ancient Yew, which was at least 3000 years old. During the lifetime of the tree, 96 people have been executed by hanging from its branches including 39 alleged witches.
It is much later in the day, and Senna has almost finished, he has installed the lights, which will glow under the water with all the colours of the rainbow, he has protected the wood with linseed oil which has given the wood a beautiful glow, and he has constructed a softly cushioned bench for his wife’s comfort.
We all await the great day with much anticipation and in my case, more than a little nausea.
Last night I observed the lights in the pool come on, they pulsed in their various garish colours, agitating Fernando, the occasionally animated tree frog who resides in our bathroom. Fernando was originally simply a colourful picture on our shower curtain, but due to certain unusual conditions, the precise nature of which, I shall leave to explain for another time, he sometimes comes to colourful life. Fernando is, I can tell, itching to get in that pool.
This morning I was informed by Hat, that Penny Regina, a locally renowned midwife has entered the Hymen home, so presumably the time is nigh, oddly Fernando is missing.
Hat has taken up an excellent vantage point on Mildred’s chimney so I will have a bird’s eye view of the proceedings thanks to my special links to our sentinel.
Rainbow Meadows has arrived, there has been a lot of squealing and disingenuous hugging. Steam is rising from the birthing pool, which has reached body temperature in readiness for the impending calving.
By Poseidon’s beard! You must excuse me, I have been around for longer than most and imagined nothing could possibly shock me anymore, but at the moment I feel positively bilious. Chlamydia has waddled to the pool and lowered her hirsute bulk into the water, as a committed pseudo hippy she is a complete stranger to the Lady Shave, so there are certain parts of her anatomy that have never received any kind of maintenance and now the pool resembles a Californian kelp forest. I shall try to remain focussed and describe the following spectacle, however there may be retching.
How is that unfortunate child going to fight its way through that kind of untamed thicket? Freeing itself from the womb will be a matter of ease by comparison.
Rainbow is holding one of Chlamydia’s hands, Senna the other, Broccoli and Belladonna are looking on from the side-lines, and I can see from the girl’s faces that they are being mentally scarred by the sight. Penny, the midwife is barking instructions, striding about looking stern and folding towels.
The screaming has begun, the two girls look positively traumatised, Senna looks terrified and Rainbow looks somewhat irritated as she attempts to make herself heard above Chlamydia’s howling. Rainbow is yelling support and love and brightest blessings, but her eyes are wishing for something else. Stillbirth, I would guess.
The racket is enough to wake the dead, and I should know.
Excuse me for one moment, I need a bucket.
Waters have broken, as has my control over my gag reflex. The birthing pool/kelp forest is now polluted with faeces, clotted blood, some unidentifiable brown ribbony stuff, more unidentifiable stuff that I cannot even describe, and urine. The perfect environment in which to introduce a brand new human life, or child abuse depending on one’s point of view.
There is now a lot of advice from various quarters, Chlamydia is being loudly urged to breathe, push, pant, not to push, not to breathe (I think that was Rainbow), push harder pant quicker and so on. Senna did plaintively request that Chlamydia not squeeze his hand quite so hard, as he thinks one of his fingers is broken, however he returned to advising her to breathe or push, after a look from his wife that might have stripped chrome plating.
Finally after one final blood curdling howl that would send the most feral werewolf scampering in fear, a lot of splashing and the sound of at least three people vomiting, the latest addition to the Hymen family finally enters this mortal coil. Or to phrase it in another, far more accurate way, it enters a disgusting soup of warm, glutinous human waste.
I am sure you will not be surprised to learn that the hymens have opted for a ‘Lotus Birth’, which for those of you who are unaware of this troubling practice, means that the placenta is left attached to the baby for up to ten days. Among the self-righteous Pseudo hippie community, putting one’s offspring at risk of serious infection or death is now one of those first world indulgences that is their right.
So now we wait for the placenta to be born, this could take an hour, maybe more. Time for a good Claret to settle my stomach.
By the hooves of Krampus! We were waiting for the final contraction to expel the placenta, but it was not required.
Senna’s wiring must have been faulty, because something has shorted out and electrified the birthing pool, Chlamydia has certainly expelled the placenta, what appears to be a couple of litres of blood, and the shock has sent the baby, which was suckling on one pendulous breast, shooting across the pool and beneath the surface of the gloop.
Chlamydia is thrashing around like a hairy, epileptic, manatee screaming in a language unfamiliar to me, Senna is also screaming, attached as he still is, to his wife as her iron grip on his broken fingers has, if anything increased in its intensity. I suppose there is some justice in that, as it was his electrical incompetence that caused this situation.
Things are getting interesting.
I have not been timing it, but I would estimate that chlamydia, Senna, the new-born and its placenta, have been receiving a bracing dose of electrical current for two or three minutes.
Finally, something along the circuit has blown and everybody stops jitterbugging, it seems Chlamydia and Senna are still breathing, though they are slumped, unconscious. Penny the Midwife thrusts her hand into the revolting liquid, which is rippling in an unsettling manner, she pulls out the baby, grasping it by one leg, the placenta, still attached by the umbilical cord follows, it seems to be pulsing, which cannot be right.
I hear sirens. Rainbow, who had ushered the two girls inside, must have dialled 999.
Show’s over folks.
Wait. What’s that?
Something brightly coloured, hauling itself from the pool, it flops onto the ground, vomiting up an alarming quantity of brown liquid. Fernando! That will teach you to go swimming in other peoples birthing pools. Back to the shower with you, bad frog.
(all rights reserved)