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If I want your opinion, I will read it in your entrails.

Inside the mind of Ms Crockofshit.

Coughs and colds.

26/11/2017

4 Comments

 
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Winter is nearly upon us and you mere mortals may succumb to common winter ailments such as coughs and colds.
This is one of the many herbal remedies for the treatment of coughs & colds I have found:

Take a heaped teaspoon of wild thyme and some sliced lemon and add it to linseed tea. Taking a tablespoon every three hours will ease and cure a cough. (North Somerset, 1925).


Flax - Linum Usitatissium:

Flax seed, used to make linseed oil, is rich in Omega-3 alpha-linoleum acid, which can help prevent heart disease, diabetes, inflammation and immune system problems. Used for diseases of the respiratory system such as pleurisies, pneumonia, coughs, asthma and consumption. It was believed during the Middle Ages that flax flowers protected against sorcery.

Lemon - Citrus Limon



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Because of its high vitamin C content lemons can be used to build immunity against colds and influenza. Used for the prevention of scurvy because it is an antiscorbutic. It was proven in 1753 by naval surgeon James Lind that it prevented scurvy but it was not introduced into naval rations until the early 19th century, despite the disease being a major killer of seamen.

 Thyme - Thymus Vulgaris:



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The essential oil should not be used during pregnancy or if hypertensive.

Thyme can fight infection and suppress coughs; it acts as an expectorant, purging the body of phlegm.

The properties of thyme as an antiseptic were known as far back in history as c.3000 bce, used by the Sumerians. Also used as part of the mummification process by the Ancient Egyptians and by the Greeks and Romans as a massage oil.

As an essential oil it has many properties, it is antibacterial, antispasmodic, anti-rheumatic, expectorant, hypertensive and has calming properties.

Folklore

Any place where thyme grows wild is said to be blessed by fairies



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Picture'Heroin, the cause of, and answer to all of life's problems!'
Heroin
In the late 1890s, Bayer the German drug company commercialised both aspirin and heroin as cough, cold and pain remedies.  Bayer promoted heroin for use in children suffering from coughs, colds and "irritation" as late as 1912. You have to admire their business acumen, getting patients addicted, a good sales technique.


Whilst there are therapeutic properties to the ingredients contained in the recipes above, this cannot be said for most of the believed cures for whooping Cough.


Don't fry this at home!


PictureTo quote the inimitable Dr Watt: 'Frying tonight!'
Ancient Egyptians would roast a mouse and then when it had turned to embers it would be ground up and added to milk as a cure for whooping cough.

Placing the cinders in water creates sulphur water, which was a popular tonic in the days before antibiotics became available. Sulphur contains powerful anti-infective agents, but too much can be dangerous.

Another use for the mouse. Skin a field mouse and make a small pie for your child to eat. Waste not want not, for those eco warriors such as Rainbow Meadows (See Heinous Hymen and the perilous placenta) you can recycle said  mouse skin by strapping it to the throat of your precious spawn, furry side down, for nine days! 



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Other cures involved passing the afflicted child over the back and under the belly of a donkey or if you do not have a donkey to hand, then a piebald horse can be used.

Or take a bowl of milk, encourage a ferret to drink from the bowl, then pour the rest down the throat of the cougher. That should shut them up or choke them to death, either way they will cease coughing, though it may be exacerbated temporarily until the desired effect has been achieved.


Picture'That really chaffs you know'.
Magic spell from the ancient world, taken from the Greek Magical Papyri:

To cure a cough, first get some parchment made from the skin of a hyena. Write the spell on the parchment in black ink, then draw an X in a circle, lastly write the name of patient who has the cough.
Analysis of the magical traditions in question, although not explicit, suggested that the treatment would be concluded by the parchment being placed over the patient's chest for a prolonged period of time or it would be soaked in spring water until all the ink washed out into the water, and the water would then be fed to the patient as medicine.

Acts of horsesarsery will not be tolerated here but for the numpties out there, essential oils should only be used if you are trained in their use, some can be dangerous, even fatal if they are used incorrectly or if you suffer from certain conditions. Nor do we encourage the skinning of mice or hyenas or force feeding ferrets. (Well, that is not strictly true, but we have to say it).



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Would it help if I sucked a fisherman's friend?'
4 Comments

An Introduction.

18/11/2017

1 Comment

 
‘If I want your opinion, I will read it in your entrails.’

I am Ms Crockofshit, those familiar with Wintermarsh Street will know of me, concubine of Vladimir Beaverhausen. You may not know of my special skills, honed over the years and an essential requirement for my particular temperament. Some might say I lack empathy, compassion and other lovely fluffy human emotions, but I say I have trouble tolerating horsesarsery, ignorance and the pathetic.

I am an apothecary and a haruspex, a person trained in the ancient art of the divination of entrails. This art is usually practiced on sacrificed sheep or poultry, but sometimes it has to be conducted on the recently eviscerated, those who have fallen within the three categories stated above.

An example of when I would consider meting out such a punishment:

Whilst doing the shopping this week, (Vladimir has his essential needs in the form of fermented grapes) I was in the car park of a local mercantile establishment when a car cut me off, driving in front of my moving vehicle and parking not only on hash marks, but right on a mini-roundabout! Obviously the three hundred and fifty spaces were not enough.

This is the sort of behaviour that will warrant this punishment. Some may say harsh, but as the title suggests, ‘if I want your opinion, I will read it in your entrails’.

1 Comment

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    Ms Crockofshit, concubine of Vladimir Beaverhausen. In this blog, I hope to get a word in, if the garrulous Vladimir shuts up for long enough.

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