Blog Posts

The Vampire Rat.

30/12/2017

Presents in our household are never boring, both Vladimir and myself take a great deal of care and time choosing just the right item for each other. I would flay the skin off him if given what some might consider acceptable presents, pants, socks or other such mundane, can't be arsed, anything will do, tat. We enjoy the hunt, it feeds those base instincts that we try to suppress. The adrenaline of the kill on an Ebay chase, leaving the defeated bodies of our victims crying in our wake, making it all the better.

Once the perfect present has been purchased it is not the end of the undertaking. A beautifully wrapped present is then completed with a clue. The receiver has to solve the clue before opening the present. The clue with this particular present was, “worthy of your own cabinet of wonder"

I was also given a most perfect pair of vampire shoes this year. Vlad certainly knows the way to a girl’s heart. The clue on this present was “baby cats beware" (see Lord Krampus and the Pestiferous Pixie Infestation). The shoes deserve a blog entry all of their very own at a later date.

Below is the description of the piece that was for sale on Ebay, secured in the last 10 seconds to the sound of sobbing from the lesser skilled Ebayers and a victorious roar of delight from Vladimir.
The Kuriologist said that he frequently creates specimen exhibition oddities for his own 'Cabinet of Curiosities'.

Ebay description- This Steampunk Vampire Rat is one of several created especially in our secret subterranean art laboratory as part of our Cryptozoological captive breeding, creative program of non-existent species.

This particular 'Vampire Rat' sculpture was exhibited at Helston Museum as part of the 'From Behind Closed Doors' exhibition in June 2017. It was a 'nod' to the previous dumping of toxic waste from Nancekuke, the Ministry of Defence former chemical warfare laboratory at what is now RAF Portreath. On original decommission of the chemical research facility, waste was dumped down abandoned tin mine shafts in Cornwall.

Known as Kuriology sculpture, creations are made using primarily re-purposed and/or recycled materials, along with papier-mâché & decoupage techniques, usually with a shellac coat finish. Having a background as a former antique restorer helps, as it is using a traditional French polish application which gives many of the various sculptures an authentic vintage aged look & appeal.

The Kuriologist attribute his inspiration to collections in the Cabinets of Curiosities housed in museums, inspired by elements from witchcraft, pagan, dark gothic, macabre and steampunk. This type of art is categorised as “Outsider" or Raw/Brut art.

There are many more non-existent species that need a forever home please help.

You can find The Kuriologist on Ebay https://www.ebay.co.uk/sch/sculpthunter
Etsy https://www.etsy.com/uk/shop/KuriousThings
Twitter https://twitter.com/strangecurios
Website http://www.kuriology.com

Vladimir has certainly chosen his gifts well this Yule so will not be subjected to my Spanish Tickler (No I am not giving you the clue for that particular present, some things should be kept secret).

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The legend of the Yuletide spider.

22/12/2017

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(A folk legend from Germany and the Ukraine)

This year it is my turn to hide the Yuletide spider on our tree. She is in her rightful place on the perfectly proportioned tree somewhere. Let’s see if Vlad can spot her. She is a much loved gift that was given to me by Vlad and we take it in turns to hide her within the branches.

Once upon a time, long ago, a gentle mother was busily cleaning the house for the most wonderful day of the year, the day on which the Holly King came to bless the house.

Not a speck of dust was left. Even the spiders had been banished from their cosy corner in the ceiling to avoid the housewife's busy cleaning. They finally fled to the farthest corner of the attic.

Twas ‘the night of the Mother Goddess’ at last! The tree was decorated and waiting for the children to see it. But the poor spiders were frantic, for they could not see the tree, nor be present for the Holly Kings’ visit. But the oldest and wisest spider suggested that perhaps they could peep through the crack in the door to see him. Silently they crept out of their attic, down the stairs, and across the floor to wait in the crack in the threshold.

Suddenly, the door opened a wee bit and quickly the spiders scurried into the room. They must see the tree closely, since their eyes weren't accustomed to the brightness of the room... so the crept all over the tree, up and down, over every branch and twig and saw every one of the pretty things. At last they satisfied themselves completely of the Yule tree’s beauty.

But alas!! Everywhere they went they had left their webs, and when the Holly King came to bless the house he was dismayed. He loved the little spiders, for they were The Goddess’s creatures too, but he knew the mother, who had trimmed the tree for the little children, wouldn't feel the same, so He touched the webs and they all turned to sparkling, shimmering, silver and gold!

Ever since that time, we have hung tinsel on our Yule trees, and according to the legend, it has been a custom to include a spider among the decorations on the tree.

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Tinea Cruris. (Butt Fungus).

17/12/2017

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During a recent therapy session, involving copious amounts of Rattler, which I understand is a Cornish medicinal beverage; a dear friend of mine revealed that she is suffering from Tinea Cruris. The Rattler loosened her tongue somewhat and she divulged her predicament and was seeking my trusted advice.

This condition is also known as jock itch or jock rot, it is ringworm of the groin, tinea cruris. As some of the names suggest it afflicts a person's intimate areas, more common in men than women. It is a common skin infection caused by fungi that thrive in warm, moist conditions. Tinea infections of the groin, inner thighs and buttocks, produces a brown/red rash, with pustules and vesicles (blisters) at the borders of the rash. The area becomes red, itchy and scaly. It can be the result of a weakened immune system.

She is a keen cyclist and therefore conditions were ideal inside her sweaty, lycra cycling shorts.
Having created an ideal breeding habitat for the fungi to thrive she was now suffering with a rash that was itchy, inflamed and irritating and for the cost of a pint of Rattler was prepared to show anyone.

Here are some natural remedies I have found to help her embarrassing predicament.

Licorice - Glycyrrhiza Glabra.

Known as sweet root- From the Greek glykys meaning sweet and rhiza meaning root.
Ancient Asian remedy.
Seethe four teaspoons of liquorice root powder in half a cup of hot water for twenty four minutes. Let it cool and apply to problem area.

Liquorice was prescribed by early physicians who were aware of the health benefits and likewise the ancient Egyptians, they used the root as a cure-all. Liquorice also has anti-inflammatory properties and works by inhibiting the enzymes involved in the inflammation process.

There are differing theories on how liquorice found its way to the UK, from the Crusaders returning from the Middle East, to the Romans (what did they ever do for us) or Benedictine monks who had a monastery in Pontefract since 1090. It is believed that the monks could have cultivated the plant because of its therapeutic constituents. Pontefract is a historic market town and is known as the liquorice capital of the UK and still produces liquorice today.

Liquorice was mentioned in Henry IV’s household accounts from 1264 and Edward I funded the repairs of London Bridge by taxing liquorice imports in 1305.

Liquorice, taken internally, can increase blood pressure and have a laxative effect. Too much can be dangerous to your health.

Garlic- Allium Sativum

Known as poor man's treacle, nectar of the gods and camphor of the poor.

As an offering to their goddess Hecate, the Greeks left garlic at crossroads on piles of stones. Hecate is the goddess of magic, witchcraft, necromancy, the night, moon and ghosts.

Like liquorice, garlic has an abundance of medicinal properties including the ability to increase the potency of drugs used in the treatment of inflammation (non-steroidal anti- inflammatories).

Garlic can also be used topically as a natural treatment for ringworm due to its antibacterial and anti-fungal properties.

Make a paste of crushed garlic and apply it to the affected area. Olive oil can be used as a carrier oil, added to the crushed garlic to produce a paste that can be applied thinly to the affected area. Cover the area with a bandage or gauze and leave for one to two hours, on completion of the treatment rinse with warm water. Repeat this process for maximum of two weeks, up to two or three times a day. Because garlic can cause skin irritation similar to burns, the treatment should be limited to a maximum of two hours. Discontinue use if you experience redness, swelling, or discomfort.

Garlic has been used through the ages to treat a large range of medical conditions from Alzheimer’s to cancer, a true super food.

Rather than drinking the Rattler she should have slapped it on her bum. She did like to throw the drinks over herself. Perhaps it was a subconscious action as another natural cure for ringworm is Apple Cider Vinegar (not to be confused with Rattler)

Apple Cider Vinegar (ACV)

ACV, like garlic and liquorice also has many health benefits. The acetic acid in the vinegar also has antifungal properties.

Since Vladimir has suffered with kidney stones we keep a bottle of the raw cider vinegar in the pantry.

Patch test on a small area before use just in case your skin is sensitive to the acetic acid in the vinegar.

Apply with a cotton wool ball to the affected site for 30 mins, at least twice a day. You may experience some discomfort on application, stinging, but this will reduce with use. You can dilute the ACV with some water if too irritating

Alternatively, add a tablespoon of apple cider vinegar to a cup of warm water. Apply the solution to the affected area and let it dry, use two or three times a day.

Or for ease of application, combine half a cup of apple cider vinegar with two cups of lukewarm water in a spray bottle; use to spray the solution onto the affected area. Apply three times a day.

The ringworm treatment should be effective within two weeks, but continue twice daily treatments for at least another week after symptoms have dissipated.

The next treatment is apt, for reasons she will understand.

Listerine:

Listerine contains Eucalyptol, which as all the above has antibacterial and anti-fungal properties. Listerine contains menthol, which can help relieve pain.
Apply the Listerine to the affected area using a cotton ball, do not wash it off. Repeat this two or three times a day for relief.

Prevention

The infection is contagious so towels should not be shared and the area needs to be kept clean and dry.

To prevent the infection spreading from athletes foot, tenia pedis, to the groin, always put your socks on first before your under -crackers.

Obviously, the use of garlic as a treatment will prevent you spreading it to a partner even if your butt fungus has not done the trick, the stench coming from your under carriage should put them off going near you.

Moral of this story

While under the influence of alcoholic beverages do not impart intimate secrets to a blogger or rub your fungusy bum on them, like a dog with a blocked anal gland.

Be warned that if you are under the influence of Novocaine she may be rubbing her fungsy bum on you while you are unconscious!

The treatments above are merely to inform you of what natural remedies could be used to treat ringworm. If you take medical advice from someone called Ms Crockofshit quite frankly you deserve what you get. Do not be a numpty, unless you want me to read your future in your entrails! We do not want your Crocs full of shit due to the laxative effect of liquorice.

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Coughs and colds.

26/11/2017

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Winter is nearly upon us and you mere mortals may succumb to common winter ailments such as coughs and colds.
This is one of the many herbal remedies for the treatment of coughs & colds I have found:

Take a heaped teaspoon of wild thyme and some sliced lemon and add it to linseed tea. Taking a tablespoon every three hours will ease and cure a cough. (North Somerset, 1925).

Flax - Linum Usitatissium:

Flax seed, used to make linseed oil, is rich in Omega-3 alpha-linoleum acid, which can help prevent heart disease, diabetes, inflammation and immune system problems. Used for diseases of the respiratory system such as pleurisies, pneumonia, coughs, asthma and consumption. It was believed during the Middle Ages that flax flowers protected against sorcery.

Lemon - Citrus Limon

Because of its high vitamin C content lemons can be used to build immunity against colds and influenza. Used for the prevention of scurvy because it is an antiscorbutic. It was proven in 1753 by naval surgeon James Lind that it prevented scurvy but it was not introduced into naval rations until the early 19th century, despite the disease being a major killer of seamen.

Thyme - Thymus Vulgaris:

The essential oil should not be used during pregnancy or if hypertensive.

Thyme can fight infection and suppress coughs; it acts as an expectorant, purging the body of phlegm.

The properties of thyme as an antiseptic were known as far back in history as c.3000 bce, used by the Sumerians. Also used as part of the mummification process by the Ancient Egyptians and by the Greeks and Romans as a massage oil.

As an essential oil it has many properties, it is antibacterial, antispasmodic, anti-rheumatic, expectorant, hypertensive and has calming properties.

Folklore

Any place where thyme grows wild is said to be blessed by fairies

'Heroin, the cause of, and answer to all of life's problems!'

Heroin
In the late 1890s, Bayer the German drug company commercialised both aspirin and heroin as cough, cold and pain remedies. Bayer promoted heroin for use in children suffering from coughs, colds and "irritation" as late as 1912. You have to admire their business acumen, getting patients addicted, a good sales technique.

Whilst there are therapeutic properties to the ingredients contained in the recipes above, this cannot be said for most of the believed cures for whooping Cough.

Don't fry this at home!

To quote the inimitable Dr Watt: 'Frying tonight!'

Ancient Egyptians would roast a mouse and then when it had turned to embers it would be ground up and added to milk as a cure for whooping cough.

Placing the cinders in water creates sulphur water, which was a popular tonic in the days before antibiotics became available. Sulphur contains powerful anti-infective agents, but too much can be dangerous.

Another use for the mouse. Skin a field mouse and make a small pie for your child to eat. Waste not want not, for those eco warriors such as Rainbow Meadows (See Heinous Hymen and the perilous placenta) you can recycle said mouse skin by strapping it to the throat of your precious spawn, furry side down, for nine days!

Other cures involved passing the afflicted child over the back and under the belly of a donkey or if you do not have a donkey to hand, then a piebald horse can be used.

Or take a bowl of milk, encourage a ferret to drink from the bowl, then pour the rest down the throat of the cougher. That should shut them up or choke them to death, either way they will cease coughing, though it may be exacerbated temporarily until the desired effect has been achieved.

'That really chaffs you know'.

Magic spell from the ancient world, taken from the Greek Magical Papyri:

To cure a cough, first get some parchment made from the skin of a hyena. Write the spell on the parchment in black ink, then draw an X in a circle, lastly write the name of patient who has the cough.
Analysis of the magical traditions in question, although not explicit, suggested that the treatment would be concluded by the parchment being placed over the patient's chest for a prolonged period of time or it would be soaked in spring water until all the ink washed out into the water, and the water would then be fed to the patient as medicine.

Acts of horsesarsery will not be tolerated here but for the numpties out there, essential oils should only be used if you are trained in their use, some can be dangerous, even fatal if they are used incorrectly or if you suffer from certain conditions. Nor do we encourage the skinning of mice or hyenas or force feeding ferrets. (Well, that is not strictly true, but we have to say it).

Would it help if I sucked a fisherman's friend?'

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An Introduction.

18/11/2017

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‘If I want your opinion, I will read it in your entrails.’

I am Ms Crockofshit, those familiar with Wintermarsh Street will know of me, concubine of Vladimir Beaverhausen. You may not know of my special skills, honed over the years and an essential requirement for my particular temperament. Some might say I lack empathy, compassion and other lovely fluffy human emotions, but I say I have trouble tolerating horsesarsery, ignorance and the pathetic.

I am an apothecary and a haruspex, a person trained in the ancient art of the divination of entrails. This art is usually practiced on sacrificed sheep or poultry, but sometimes it has to be conducted on the recently eviscerated, those who have fallen within the three categories stated above.

An example of when I would consider meting out such a punishment:

Whilst doing the shopping this week, (Vladimir has his essential needs in the form of fermented grapes) I was in the car park of a local mercantile establishment when a car cut me off, driving in front of my moving vehicle and parking not only on hash marks, but right on a mini-roundabout! Obviously the three hundred and fifty spaces were not enough.

This is the sort of behaviour that will warrant this punishment. Some may say harsh, but as the title suggests, ‘if I want your opinion, I will read it in your entrails’.

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Wintermarsh Street is no place for children, freedom of expression is paramount here, censorship is abhorrent to us, please do not enter if you are overly sensitive or offended by the ideas and opinions of others that may not correspond with your own. I may profoundly disagree with your opinion, however I would fight and die defending your right to express it.

Wintermarsh Street is a work of the imagination and any similarity to places or persons living, dead and undead contained within the tales herein is purely coincidental.

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If I want your opinion, I will read it in your entrails.

The Vampire Rat.

The legend of the Yuletide spider.

Tinea Cruris. (Butt Fungus).

Coughs and colds.

An Introduction.

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